When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

And every word I didn't say caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
Pick you up in all of this when I sail away

And while I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way

Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it's impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by

And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
there you are to show me

When I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

When I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

So, what happened today?

I got back from my church retreat. What I learned: Our church has some really great hiding places. Guys think my eyes are gray. Waking up after two hours of sleep makes you feel ill. Never stand in a dark sanctuary at the strike of midnight, you will be tempted to kill yourself. I can jump through a hula-hoop and balance two shoes on my head. When John scares the shit out of me, I can scream wicked loud. There is a sunbrush, my only sunbrush. Pretty purple people cannot be painted by me. When you watch Miracle at three in the morning as a major sugar high is wearing off, you will instantly pass out and not wake up until 7:45. And I am horrible at Super Smash Brothers Melee and Tetris.

It was crazy fun. Except for the Sanctuary at midnight. i won't go into that, becuase ifI do, I'll start crying. Anyway.

I have the Blueberry School harvest fest later, I'm taking my sister, and then buying stuff and whatever. I also got my ski equipment for the season today. My mom says that if it works, I can buy it, if I want. Althought I really want to learn how to snowboard, and not ski. Just becuase I'm so bad at it. But I'm excited becuase Blanford is right near Nawaka, and I get to see it in the snow. Although I might get sad, if I head up on the bus every weekend, and have to drive past it.

Again, about camp... I've decided that I will not be driven out of the one place that I call my real home. Although if friendships begin to fade, like the ones with camp people... I won't return. Unless I have one good friendship, I won't go back, becuase I don't feel like going through tense situations with people.

Well, before I start giving in to my depression, I'm gonna go dance to some hip-hop and techno. Guys, please call me tonight. I can't hold off depression forever, and there are a few people I really need to talk to, to save my life. Just IM me if you don't knnow my number. I don't have anyone blocked, and I should be on tonight.

I hate to beg... But I'm begging. Please please please call.

It was a half day, that's something. But that didn't take away from the negativeosity of today. It really was a bad day, maybe becuase I felt miserable all morning, and I pitied myself all morning. Only halfway through the lunch did I put in a cheerful face that lasted through most of the day. But with a headache the size of Montana, and feeling moderatly bad about myself, I wouldn't say today was the best I have ever experienced, much to my chagrin. However, Betsy did come up with an adjective to describe me. Quirky. I thought it worked, kind of. Maybe. Sorta. Not really.

My mom is at my parent-teacher confrence right now, for Geo. She already did Bio and English, and the teachers only had good things to say about me. Becuase you all know how I always do my homework and never procrastinate, and leave things till the last minuite, becuase I was updating my site. Oh never, not me. Anyway...

What really bothers me is how many of my school friends I've lost. Out of all my friends from Glenbrook, the only one who I'm really close with is Britt. Almost everybody else has drifted away from me, and it's upsetting. Like, I'll be there, and they'll all go to the movies and ditch me. I wouldn't say it does wonders for my self-esteem. But there is an upside to this. I have a bunch of friends from Williams now, like Megan, Christine, Elliot and Evan. There are a bunch more I know, and who I talk to on occasion. I know the odd upperclassman, too, so I'm not in lack of friends. But losing that whole group of people is really upsetting to me. I just feel... Depressed. It really hurts...

A lot of stuff hurts at the moment, but I'm trying not to add to my pain by self-mutilation. Very hard, but i can do it, by sheer willpower....

Again, the diet comment.

100% of the guys polled said "a fear of intimacy" has never stopped them fromgetting into a relationship. One guy even remarked, "Fear of intimacy is an urban myth." Another guy said, "That's just what we say to girls when we're just not that into them.



"I'm scared."

Bullshit.

I am ready to be dumped already.

Do hurry up and do it so I can get on with my life.

I am sick and tired of waiting for you, when I already know how things are gonna end. I could tell from the beginning. I'm just waiting for you to drop the bomb. So do it already, if you've got the guts. But it disapoints me, for one thing, that you're not brave enough to tell me that you just don't like me, and for another thing, that you're not brave enough just to think for yourself and dive in. Oh, but don't let me influence your descision. I'm just tired of being messed with.

So end it.

Writing from school out of complete boredom. And I am still upset about last night, what with jerky ex's and always making the wrong descision. I did a lot of thinking after I went to bed, and I think I've got a good idea of what I have to do. I have to keep things going as they are. If it gets any more, or any less, things could unravel. I don't want to take chances.

My heart wants to, though. It really wants me to take back what I said last night. Take risks, make a change! It's very adamant. But the logical side of me says not to. I don't know what to do. I'm very confused and scared, right now. I want to listen to my heart... But I don't want to be rejected.

Dammit, I'm crying in the school library.

This stinks.




I hate my life.

The best parts of my day were walking home, Drama and History. Generally, the rest of the day was miserable. I didn't really eat lunch, just kind of sat out in the hallway, in this little nook, and read. It's the only time where I can get some freaking peace around here. What with my Grandfather, my sister, and her friend, not to mention my bitchy mother and my always working, heavy sighing father, I need some alone time. My family is enough to make me question my sanity.

I am in love with someone. No, that's not right, it's not love. I am in like with someone? I am attracted to someone? Hm. But it's weird, because all of my school friends say to stay away from him. I really don't want to, though. I don't know who to listen to, my heart of my head.

Life is confusing enough. But why am I so obsessed with guys?

I think I'll burn all my sexy clothes and join a nunnery.

Sorry to disapoint all my adoring fans.

The greatest song lyric of all time:

"Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams the has, but Lord it takes a lonely one to wish she had never dreamt at all."
-Dashboard Confessional

It's horrible how sad I get sometimes, and how much I have to hide it from people. It's also sad how much I depend on some of my friendships. And it's even sadder how close I get to breaking those friendships. I am really tired of not being self-sufficent, and I am even more tired of liking guys. I mean, when you think about it, girls depend on the male gender so much. Although my guy friends are great people, sometimes I wish that we could be just friends. For example, there is a guy at school who likes me, and we're friends, right? But seeing how much he likes me really hurts, becuase I don't like him that way! I like him like a brother. And then it hurts also, becuase say I liked one of my guy friends, but they give no sign that they like me at all, any other way then as a friend. It's so irritating. And some of my guy friends want to tell mke stuff, and then they decide not to, and pretend they never had anything to say. It's so irksome.

And it's also irritating how easily I become obsessed with things, or people. And it's even more irritating how I don't want to tell that person things, becuase I just want them to forget me. Don't ask me why, I just know...

Everybody is going to leave me some day. They'll stop being friend with me, we'll have a fight, or something. If I keep people at arm's length, and don't get close to them, they maybe it'll hurt less when they forget me. I hope they won't, but how can you fight it. I've just been hurt so many times, and I've seen how cruel some of my friends have been, how cruel people can be, and how cruel I can be. It's not fair at all, how horrible and evil human nature is. I just want to cry sometimes, becuase people are so horrible. So I've stopped fighting the urges to cry, and all I do is weep on my own.

And I'm trying so hard not to see his face everywhere I turn.

I had a really weird dream last night. I mean, I don't remember the plot, but it was scarry, and a certain person that has been on my mind a lot lately was in it. It was really weird, becuase I haven't actually dreamt about him yet. I wonder what that means.

But I went to the concert, and saw Mulch, which is a Frosh band, and they actually were great. Sean, Ben and Pat were the only guys I knew who were in it, but they played Oasis-Wonderwall, and I really enjoyed the way they did it. I also saw Cory's band, Three of Me, and surprisingly, they weren't half as good. they played Hootie and the Blowifsh, and Dispatch, and I didn't enjoy them as much. then my mom called, and bitched me out, and made me cry, and my dad came and picked me up and tried to cheer me up. But I couldn't help crying. So I went up to my room and listened to Dashboard and Evanessence for an hour, and did my homework, and cried some more. I feel better now that I got all my tears out. Maybe I'll take a bath.

But you know what I've been wondering about? You know when you're lying awake at night, waiting for sleep to fall over you? Well, I was doing that last night, and my mind was wandering, and I was thinking about a lot of people that I know. And I keep wondering if they ever think of me, like, when they're going through their day. It's way too weird to ask someone "do you think of me?", but I just keep wondering if I'm ever on their mind. It's kind of weird, I know, but I just wish I was, you know, like they would think of me just once during the day. That would really make me fel a lot better about myself.

And it's also hard, like, when my Mom critisizes me for every single mistake I make. I mean, I'm only human, I don't need to be screamed at every time I get a B, or forget to turn on my cell, or talk to a friend on the phone for too long. It must be nice, you know, being perfect.

I've been thinking too much. I need to go relax. Will someone please call me tonight? I need to talk to anyone.

Well, today started off rough. I was stranded here with my Grandfather, who is sick, and he ignores me, and with my sister, who bitched and threw stuff at me the whole morning. When my mom called, at maybe 10:45, I was on the brink of tears. She told me to ditch them, and go to Starbucks and get myself something yummy to drink, and maybe some chocolate from CVS. I obeyed, and listened to Linkin' Park, and felt a hell of a lot better. And then a revelation came to me on the way home.

All that stuff Christine had told me about Cory Kennett didn't apply to me. Becuase Cory's last name isn't Kennett. I am almost singing with glee! That really brightened my day. and I went to the Holyoke Barnes and Noble, the big one, with the big music section and the Starbucks. I bought the "got dance?" Techno CD, with 4 strings and Moby on it. It's 30 songs. I also got A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar, the Dashboard Confessional CD, and I've been listening to it non-stop since I got it.

Took a really really long hot bath when I got home from the bookstore, which was nice. Then I had spagetti for dinner, yummay. Now I've got a bit of a headache, but I'm pretty much okay. I did a lot of thinking last night and today while everything was happening. And I came to a comclusion.

Some people were meant to find happiness by doing stuff for themselves, and not chinging themselves, and being just as bright and bold as they were born to be. Others find happiness by molding themselves to fit in, and doin things to make other people happy. I ahve found that I do like indulging myself at times, but I am mostly a member of the latter catagory. That's why rejection and being told something's wrong with me hurts so much. It's hard to mold yourself to be a part of what people want you to be, but in the end, I end up really happy. I really hope that I'm able to make those I love happy, however I can.

There are about five people that I know, that I would do anything in the world for. Britt, Tonksy, Lauren, Casey (yes, him) and Mike. If there was anything I could do to help these people with anything, I would do it. I would even die for them. And realizing that is a part of coming into myself. The only thing they have to do to help me is to tell me what I need to do to make them happy. And I'll do it.

I worry about everybody else, of course, and I would do almost anything for them, but I don't think I feel as strongly for them as I do for the five mentioned above. But I want to be known as the girl who's always got your back.

That's my dream. To help people.

This rant is dedicated towards one guy, and he should know who he is. Hell, maybe he won't even be reading this. But if he is, read, and be angry if yiu want. confront me if you want. But I'm being honest.

This is stupid. You know what? People think they know me so well, then they jump to all these assumptions about me, which may be right or wrong, but it's usually wrong. Maybe I don't love you. Maybe I don't know how I feel. For me, not everything is black and white. I can't figure anything out, and you don't seem to understand that, and I don't see why. Then you get mad at me. I just... Can't take being treated like this anymore. This is why I don't want to be friends with you. Becuase you always being me down like this. Every single time I talk to you, i end up feeling like shit, or being treated like shit. And maybe it's becuase you think you know everything, or maybe it's becuase you have good self-esteem. And I'm glad you have good self-esteem. But you don't know everything about me. You can't look inside my heart, you can't figure out what I beleive. You are not the know-all, highest power in the universe. You are not the deciding factor in my life. Don't be so confident that we're going to talk again, becuase maybe we're not. Maybe I'll block you completly, and keep you completly out of my life. And you say you'll be there for when I need you. Where were you when I was slitting my wrists? Where are you now? I know where you are. you're reading this, feeling sorry for yourself. Maybe you're mad at me becuase you think I have no right to say these things. But I do have a right. I have more right then you'll ever know.

And now I'll be the one to leave you with these final words. I love you, but I hate loving you.

So now you know why i don't want you to love me.



But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

I am so... annoyed with this world. It's so funny, though. Becuase I was walking around with a red, raw, bloody wrist, hidden by a black sweatshirt and a smiling face, and only one girl noticed. We were talking, and she was depressed, then she showed me her scars, then I showed her mine. We seemed to become closer. Maybe now I have someone who will actually relate to me, and not be patronizing, and try to stop me.

Why would people try to stop me? If it makes me feel better, they should be happy for me. I mean, death sounds great, but if I can't do that until Saturday night, then this will have to last until then. Only a few more days, guys.

I can last a few more days.